It's a Scary Thing

It's a scary thing, letting your kids venture out into the world. This I have learned the hard way. Bathe them in prayer, every day, whether they be 19 or 27 or 10. Pray for their eyes, their minds, their hearts. Pray that God would go before them...and that they would desire His protection.

I did and do pray for my children. Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong. Were my prayers not fervant enough? not long enough? not specific enough? Should I have laid hands on her every day before she left the house?

Did I not pray for her heart? that it would be soft toward the things of the Lord...that she would desire His love above all else...that she would not give it away prematurely...that her daddy would have her heart...

I cannot play the "blame game" and I cannot live in fear. While I still pray and cry out for her, we have surrendered her to God, knowing that our dear one is out from under our protection and our influence (by her own choice). But it is hard for me to remember that I "gave her back to God." So to help me--and to illustrate it to the younger children--we had a little ceremony last week. We bought a helium balloon and wrote messages to God on it. One child drew a heart, others wrote prayers for healing and care. I asked God to watch over her since we cannot. (as a parent, that was probably the hardest thing I have ever done--admitting I cannot take care of my "baby")

Daniel had the honor of letting the balloon go. We watched it gently float, buffeted by the breeze, but always soaring up and away. The kids got bored (it took a long time floating away from us) but I couldn't abandon the sight. I watched until it was a silvery dot beyond the trees that flashed in and out of my sight. I watched until I could only imagine the tiny flash. I watched until I couldn't even imagine that I saw it.

Then I wept. Again. It won't be the last time, I'm afraid. I hope God has a big bucket.